Friday, August 26, 2005

Pat Robertson loves take out

God bless Pat Robertson. If only he'd come out sooner with his "take out" exception to the Commandment that thou shalt not kill, we'd be 300 billion dollars better off.

My only hope is that the Iraqi insurgents don't hear about this. You can bet, when they do, they'll have some tough questions for their radical clerics. Part of being a radical is that you've got to be out there, away from the pack. When middle aged suburban housewives start piercing their belly bottons, you can bet the avant guarders will find some other way to cull themselves from the herd. The insurgents will view this as a call to ramp it up, because they're no longer making a statement.

Too bad it took two thousand years for Christian thinkers to come figure out that taking out your opponents is not only cheaper, but it protects you from the sting of turning the other cheek. If only Jusus had taken out Pilate and the Pharases, what a better world it would be - for everyone. Just think of what Mel Gibson could do with Bruce Willis playing the take out Jesus. Instead of a cross hanging in churches, we could have a sniper riffle, replacing the blow gun or crossbow of ancient times. Our saints could be the people Jessee Ventura referred in his response to a quesiton that "gun control is a man who can put two rounds in the same hole at 100 yards."

But, it's not all good. Got to be careful about what we say. What does it mean to "take out the trash," or ask someone if you can "take out their daughter." When your husband says he's getting "take out," does it mean he's hiring someone to take you out? "Take me out to the ball game?" "Take out Chineese?" Paranoid dislexic people diving for cover when someone says "out-take."

So you won't find me making fun of Pat Robertson. Whether it's warning gays in Florida that the will be smoted by hurricanes for flying the gay flag, or supporting guys like Charles Taylor, who's Liberian conflict diamonds Robertson's companies used to buy - one thing is for sure, we will always have Pat as a shining example of the true value of televangelism.


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